Lust Read online

  Early on, before art school got to him, Phil painted Michael’s portrait. This was before Philip stared to glue dirty carpet onto metal poles, so it was a perfectly conventional painting. Philip said that it was designed to fill a niche in the sitting room.

  It portrayed Michael as ballast. The jacket, slightly crumpled, looked like a carved stone replica of clothing. The weight of his body was given a granite substance, and he stood feet well apart looking as immovable as the Earth. The painting was called ‘Taurus’. At least in the beginning, Michael was an anchoring point.

  Even then the sex didn’t work. But it didn’t work in a strange backward way that they both noted and were proud of. It seemed to confirm they were some kind of perfect match. They would allude to it lightly, discreetly to their very best friends.

  Phil hated any male response from his partners at all. For all his fluttering, or perhaps because of it, he would not suck Michael’s cock and found the idea of anal penetration repulsive. Which was just as well, considering Michael could not penetrate whipped cream.

  It was no mystery to Michael why Philip was screwed up. A year after they met, Philip finally summoned the nerve to take Michael home to meet his parents. Michael would not have believed Roland and Virginia if he had not met them. They were fake posh. They pretended to be from Surrey, where they now lived. Who in their right mind pretended to be posh these days?

  Philip’s father was some kind of retired manager from ICI. He had a worn moustache and some kind of dressing on his hair which rendered it flat and glossy. Roland wore navy blazers without the right to, and shirts whose thick blue stripes were still somehow garish. Virginia’s hair was died orange and piled high like Margaret Thatcher’s, and she had an air of studied, delicate refinement. She talked like an actress in a 1950s film.

  They had made cucumber sandwiches. Their teapot had pink curlicues. Michael kept his eyes fixed on it as Philip’s mother made efforts to persuade her son to go back to medical school. They didn’t like the idea of art school at all. Roland was robust. ‘Don’t want people to think you hang around with a bunch of arty-farty people, Philip.’ Arty-farty meant queer. Roland was supposed to have no idea about his son’s sexuality. Only Philip’s mother ‘knew’.

  The family had a best room that was kept under wraps, and of which Michael was vouchsafed a glimpse. The furniture was sealed in plastic and the carpets covered with protecting translucent treads. It was as if they wanted people to have safe sex with the sofa. The dresser proudly displayed the Wedgwood china, which was never used. ‘This is for special events,’ said Philip’s mother, communicating with no effort that the first visit of her son’s partner was not special enough.

  When Philip’s sister died unexpectedly, his mother rang to ask that Michael not come to the funeral, as it was ‘a family occasion’. In any event, Michael was not ‘to visit quite so often, as it might give rise to questions’.

  ‘I’ll make it easy,’ said Michael. ‘I won’t go at all.’

  ‘That’s not what she wants, Michael,’ said Philip, looking anguished.

  ‘It’s what I want,’ said Michael. ‘I don’t like being treated like the mad aunt in the attic. It’ll be easier for you too. You won’t even have to mention me.’

  Indeed, Michael was not mentioned in family conversation. Philip’s family weekends were now just another period of absence.

  Which Michael had been grateful for, as it made it easier to bring people back. It’s how most gay marriages are supposed to work. You get tired of sex with each other, and being a man yourself you understand: it’s fun to be let off your leash for a scamper.

  But when does it cease to be that? When do you start hoping he won’t be home so you can bring a trick back? When do you start saying: ‘Got another arts do on tonight. You won’t want to come, will you?’ When do you start slipping sideways into bushes at Russell Square after every social engagement?

  How long is it then before there is no sexual side to the marriage? What do you call the marriage then? Like other mainly financial arrangements, you might call it a partnership. They still both took a measure of pride in it.

  ‘He’s a scientist,’ Phil said at a recent party, as if clearing the table for a specially cooked, nut-free dish. Philip at 31 was already beginning to look ragged and discontent. ‘He’s doing brain research. You’re trying to prove we have a soul aren’t you?’

  ‘Do we have a soul then?’ asked Jimmy Banter. He was a better-known artist than Philip. He had a merry smile and a watchful eye.

  ‘What we have,’ said Michael, feeling his weight, ‘is more like a centre of gravity. You can’t find a centre of gravity surgically. It’s not an organ or an inner eye. You won’t find a car part called the centre of gravity, but the car has one anyway. The self is like that. It’s the centre of focus if you like, where all the stresses and strains of the brain come together.’

  Jimmy Banter looked over his shoulder. ‘Is that why you’ve got such a big ego then, Phil? All those stresses and strains?’ Jimmy disliked weight and he disliked bald truth but he loved drama.

  ‘At least my work doesn’t involve killing chickens,’ said Philip.

  Thanks, Phil, for blowing my cover.

  The room went cold and still. ‘What was that?’ a woman in a red dress asked, sitting up.

  Michael sighed. ‘Uh. I am about to start a research project that involves experimentation on animals.’

  ‘And how,’ the woman asked him, with the cautious determination of the righteous, ‘do you justify that?’

  With difficulty. It takes a long time. Most of the night, in fact. And the one thing I dread is some animal rights activist getting hold of it because my partner wants to score points at parties.

  Michael glared at Philip who stared sullenly back. It was very difficult to see any love in his eyes now.

  Some weeks before, Philip had come home at eleven o’ clock. For Philip, that was early. Michael was still up, exhausted from marking phase tests. Philip came home elated rather than high. He came home seductive.

  ‘How would you,’ Philip said, sitting on the arm of the sofa, ‘like to be photographed in the nude by me.’

  ‘It depends on what it’s for,’ replied Michel.

  ‘It’s for my next and breakthrough show. It’s called Lust.’

  Ah.

  ‘You’re going to be the centre piece.’

  ‘Am I, now?’

  ‘Yup. I want your cock to be the anchor. I want it to look earth-bound. I want to adorn it with grass and soil and flowers. And I can tell people: it’s my boyfriend, actually. It will all be terribly Gilbert-and-Georgeish.’

  Philip. Phil, you are 31 years old. Shouldn’t you be getting beyond this?

  ‘Are you trying to get into advertising or something? It won’t work, Phil. If advertising agencies like your stuff, they just steal it and call it a quote.’

  ‘And that promotes you too. Just hear me out.’ Philip shifted, smiling on the arm of the sofa. ‘I haven’t pitched it to you properly.’

  Pitch? What are you, a filmmaker?

  ‘Everything is a branch of pornography, including religion.’

  ‘No, Phil, it’s not.’

  ‘In this sense. It uses the same techniques as pornography. Nothing to do with sex. Pornography is to do with keeping people comfortable and managing their disappointment. You cannot give someone sex except by giving them sex. But you can give them a substitute, and make sure it’s barely just good enough. So they’re not satisfied and have to come back for another fix. McDonald’s hamburgers are pornography. Blockbuster movies are pornography. The key to their success is that they don’t offend and never satisfy. The other thing is that nobody gets hurt. Or rather they get hurt, but there’s no real pain. So, in The English Patient you can set people on fire and cut off their thumbs and everything still reads like a Fiat ad.’

  ‘So. How are you going to demonstrate this intellectual point using craft skills? Which, as I understand it,
is your definition of art.’

  Philip was grinning. ‘I’m going to photograph your cock in a McDonald’s bun.’

  Michael couldn’t resist. ‘It will certainly be an improvement on their usual fare.’

  ‘I’m going to photograph you as Billy Graham preaching, but with your cock hanging out.’

  See what an education in the arts can do for you? ‘What about lawsuits?’

  ‘You want lawsuits? I’m going to dress your member up as Monica Lewinsky.’

  ‘How? How are you going to do that?’

  ‘I’ll put a beret on it, and stick it in a weight watchers ad. I’ll wrap it up as a cigar. I dunno.’

  ‘Phil. This is not art. These are ideas for joke greetings cards. You know, courgettes standing in for dicks. And why pick on poor Monica?’

  ‘Because she got hurt. The Republicans got it wrong. They thought pornography meant sex rather than harmlessness. They wrecked a nice, modern girl’s life and people hated it. I mean, would Republicans understand pornography? Politics is pornography. Will the Right Honourable Member for Finchley East please stand?’ Phil flickered like a candle about to go out.

  Michael was smiling. In many ways, this was the best conversation they had had in years. ‘Phil. You are not going to photograph my dick. Use someone else’s, but not mine, OK?’

  ‘Why not?’

  Partly, Michael thought, because it’s so ugly. ‘Well aside from putting your audience off their dinner … I just don’t want to. I’d be embarrassed. I’m a lecturer, I’ve got students. It might cause trouble at work. OK?’

  ‘All right.’ Philip stared at his knees. He looked genuinely disappointed. ‘I just thought that for once you might like to share in my life.’ His voice went even quieter and he muttered, ‘Instead of me always having to share in yours.’

  This was neither jovial nor seductive. ‘I’m afraid I don’t understand that last remark, Phil.’

  Philip stood up, disconsolate. ‘Look around you, then. The flat’s yours, everything in it’s yours.’

  ‘You’re perfectly welcome to buy something, Phil.’

  Philip said very softly, ‘I don’t have any money.’ And he went out to the kitchen.

  Somewhere in there, Michael sensed, there had been a wasted opportunity.

  Lovers come and lovers go. Usually they leave by the door. Sometimes, very occasionally, they just disappear.

  Was the guard hit?

  Philip did not come back until gone 2.00 AM.

  All lights were out and Michael was nearly asleep when he heard the front door wheeze and grumble its way open. Phil let it swing back and slam. It took him forever to lay out his keys, undress, have a glass of water, pee, flush, belch. My God, how long can it take someone to get to bed? Perhaps he was just washing himself after sex.

  When he finally lay down next to Michael, Philip fell instantly asleep. His breath rattled out of him like leaves blown along a sidewalk. He smelled of cheap red wine.

  Michael was left awake, full of lust, but not for Phil.

  He thought of the Cherub: the smooth pink arms, the smooth pink face, the ready smile. Michael saw him again, prone on the platform, undignified, head over heels and his face sad with questions, as if he had learned about death for the first time.

  I won’t sleep, thought Michael.

  It is bad behaviour to wank in the same bed as your partner. Michael got up and went to the bathroom. Michael tried to ease the bathroom light on soundlessly, but it snapped anyway. It sounded as loud as a gunshot.

  And there, standing in the shower-bath as Michael had really rather known he would be, was Tony.

  The Cherub looked like he had been scanned in from a photograph and pasted onto another image. His back was towards Michael. He was drying himself with a white gym towel. Michael did not own any white towels. His scientific mind clocked: towels are part of the deal.

  So was the perfect, pink, hairless bottom, rounded muscle so lean that the cheeks were parted even standing up. The anus was visible, pouting as if for a kiss. Michael touched Tony’s shoulder, and he turned around. His face had the same baffled expression. Michael wanted him to smile. Smile, he yearned.

  The Cherub smiled in delight. Michael kissed his cheek. Tony’s smile did not respond. It remained fixed and dazzling.

  Michael sat down on the lid of the toilet. Tony’s penis was still recognizably stale from being swaddled all day, even in the most evenly white, clean briefs. Michael checked that the head was dry, permitted it to enter his mouth once. The penis swelled, lengthened, and went bulbous at the head. Michael pulled back.

  Michael touched Tony’s body, started to masturbate and told Tony to do the same. Tony leaned back against the bathroom door, head thrown back, eyes closed, as he would have done if he were alone. Michael looked at his beautiful body as if it were a photograph in a magazine. The Cherub came arching into space.

  Then the room cleared as if a mist had been burned off. Michael padded back into the darkened bedroom where Phil still snored. Michael had a moment’s worry: he’ll smell it on me. Then he realized the tastes and smells on his tongue and fingers had all evaporated. Leaving nothing.

  In the morning, the mystery remained.

  As always Philip slept on while Michael prepared instant coffee and granola. I must have dreamed it, thought Michael. He picked up his filofax and looked at his notes from the night before. There was hardly anything useful except for one clear question.

  Was the guard hit?

  He walked to Goodge Street tube. There must have been an unusual shift pattern, because the same guard was lurking behind the barriers. Or maybe he just needed the money. He was propped up against the wall and nodded a grim good morning at Michael.

  Michael shuffled his apologies. ‘Uh. I’m sorry about last night. Did he hit you?’

  The guard looked up, bleary from lack of sleep, angry at first for being disturbed. Then he remembered to be civil. ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Um. Last night. That big bloke who was a bit woozy. You came running after me and I thought he’d hit you.’

  The blue eyes were too pale; there was something frozen about them. ‘You must want someone else, mate.’

  Michael shook his head at his own mistake. ‘Of course. You wouldn’t get two shifts in a row would you?’

  ‘I would. I need the money. I was here last night, but there was no big man. Sorry.’

  Michael stood frozen. All right, Tony had not been real. ‘But don’t you remember talking to me?’

  The guard wanted to read his paper. It was called Loot and sold houses and cars to people who had no money to buy them. He lowered the paper. ‘There was something. You were standing there by the barriers.’ He gestured towards them, scowling, looking as baffled as the Cherub had the night before. Michael saw that he needed a shave. ‘That’s it. You were drunk.’ The guard’s lip curled, and he lifted up his paper. He looked pretty and petulant and butch, all at once. ‘You were right out of it, mate. So that explains it then. All right?’ He stared stonily at his paper. Conversation over. They waited for the lifts to arrive.

  I didn’t drink anything. Michael reconstructed the entire night and day in his mind. He hadn’t been to the pub. He hadn’t drunk a thing.

  The guard rocked himself away from the wall on which he was leaning, and punched big silver keys. The lift door opened.

  I must be going nuts, Michael thought.

  ‘Sleep tight,’ said the guard and gave him a cheery, leery grin.

  There were smiling Japanese tourists in the lift. You are bowing to a crazy man, Michael told them in his mind.

  I made the whole thing up. I had a bad experience in the sauna, my life is shit, I’ve been depressed for years without doing anything about it, and now I’ve gone and broken my brain.

  Christ. Michael remembered the feel of Tony’s skin, its smell, its taste. It increases your respect for schizophrenics, really. They’re not just a bit muddled. All those brain cells get tickled up, and th
ey start making brand-new sentences of sight and sound and touch. The new sentences are lies, but they feel like the real thing.

  You lose a certain kind of innocence when you go crazy. You used to take it for granted that your brain shows you what’s actually out there. Now all you’ve got left is doubt, Michael.

  But then, science is built on doubt.

  The train bounced and rattled him, like life.

  * * *

  At the lab, Michael strolled through his normal routine as if sleepwalking.

  He fed his smartcard into the reader at the front door. He said hello to the security guard Shafiq and showed him his pass. He went down the line of offices, one by one. None of them had windows.

  Hello, Ebru! Hello boss! It amused Ebru to call him boss.

  Hiya Emilio, how’s the system? Why you ask? It’s great like always!

  He heard their voices, as if in his own head, as if no one were really speaking.

  In his own office, Michael slipped into his entirely symbolic white lab coat. He asked Hugh to check the thermostat readings in the darkroom. ‘If the temperature goes much under or over thirty-eight, give me a shout.’

  And he sat down and he had no idea what to do. His desk stared back at him, as orderly as his notebooks. There were three new things in his in tray, and the out tray was empty. On his PC would be a timed list of things to do.

  What the fuck do I do now?

  Look in the Yellow Pages for psychotherapists? Do they section people right away? Should I be writing my letter of resignation? What do you do when you realize you’re seeing things?

  You might just try to see if it’s going to happen again. Look, I’m still capable. I can say maybe it won’t happen again, maybe it was just a one-off, something that only happened once. Maybe I’m better already.

  Put another way: just how badly broken am I?

  The door opened and the sound was as sudden and as loud as if he made it up, and Michael jumped up and turned around.